Yesterday I stepped out on faith and shared with you my dream to write a book. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to hit delete before and after publishing that post but I have been touched by the responses I have received. Sharing a dream is hard and puts me in a vulnerable place I’m not comfortable but I know it’s part of the process that God wants to take me through. This book may be a few years in the making so until this dream comes to light I am honored to have each of you along for the journey.
I lay alone on my bed. The light coming from my bedside lamp is the only break in the darkness around me. My 18-month-old son sleeps peacefully down the hall with only the dim glow of a nightlight breaking the darkness in his room.
The difference between us – he sleeps peacefully, content without a care in the world while my heart is breaking, my mind is spinning & questions rage.
Never in my life have I been so angry, hurt and desperately needing answers from God. Over the course of the week I had yelled, cried, prayed and begged God more than I could count. But those prayers and questions went unanswered. I was left feeling beaten up by the questions that came slamming back down on me as they bounced off the roof of my car from desperate prayers during car rides home from the hospital.
And now I lay in my bed, alone, while my husband sits at the bedside of his mom as she fights for her life in one hospital following a brain aneurysm rupture while my husband’s dad fights for his life after open heart surgery in another hospital.
The same unanswered questions continue to plague my heart and mind.
“Why Lord, why would you take my son’s Grandmamma and Granddaddy away from him? Why, when these are suppose to be the happiest days of our lives as we expect the birth of our daughter, are we going through this pain? Why does my husband have to go through this nightmare of watching both of his parent’s battle for their lives? Why at our young age do we have to face the life or death decisions we are forced to make?”
Tears stream down my face, my fingernails dig deep into my palms as I slam them down on the bed, my body rocks back and forth as I beg God to make this all go away.
“Lord, I know you can do this, you can heal them, you can make this all go away please Lord, it’s not fair! Please don’t make Jeff go through this pain! Please don’t take away Garrett and our unborn little girl’s grandparents. Why…Why…Why… I don’t understand!”
I’m empty, I have no more – no more tears to cry, no more questions to ask, no more anger to vent, no more energy – nothing.
I lay on my bed with just the faint whir of the fan above my head. I don’t move. I just lie there and feel the gentle breeze of the air from the fan. I close my eyes and breath, slow deep breaths, the exhaustion taking over.
As my body begins to relax I feel it…a quiet, gentle presence. It’s not a physical person or a booming audible voice but a feeling as if strong, tender arms are wrapping around me hugging me gently. I know in my heart its God.
And in that moment I feel God whisper to my soul “Be Still my child and Know that I Am God.”
I am still. I am quiet and I rest in the presence of God’s comfort, His love and His strength.
My anger, hurt and tears dissolve into a sense of peace. I realize that this may be a long journey we must face but as we travel down this road God will be with us every step of the way.
It will be difficult and painful and there will be frustrating and exhausting days but in those days I know God will have His arms wrapped securely around us. He will strengthen us and guide us each step of the way. We just need to rest and rely on His strength.
I reach over and turn off the bedside lamp and as I snuggle deep under the covers I pray, “Thank you Lord. Thank you that you love me enough to let me spill my hurt, anger & frustrations to you but you don’t become angry with me and leave me, instead you gently wrap your arms around me and give me the love and strength I need.”
I roll over and as I drift off to sleep I rest securely in knowing that tomorrow morning our situation may not be different but I will be stronger because I know God is with us and He is giving us the strength we need to face the dark days ahead.
In His Calm,
10 comments
I loved this story the first time I read it and even more here as I read it again. I can’t wait to see how God is going to use you and His story in your life.
Amy – Thank you so much for coming by and thank you for your leadership in our writing group. You and Denise are such a blessing.
Beautifully written, I could picture it all from your sadness to the peace you found. Inspiring.
Thanks so much for visiting Ruth. And so glad you were able to see the peace I had in God’s Presence even during the storm.
Always new you were amazing! So glad you have been a part of my life.
Amy, thank you my friend for coming by my little corner of the web. I was most nervous sharing this with my friends because so many of you went through these days with us. Thank you for your encouragement! I miss you!
I am so sorry for your loss…a very big loss. I’m praying for your peace in the storm and for your new daughter. Coming by from Denise blog!
I know this desperate, life-hanging-in-the-balance crying out to God all too well. I also know the sense of his presence that comes to equal the panic’s intensity. God’s grace always rises to the occasion and meets our needs, even if not quite the way would choose. Beautiful story.
There have been three distinct times when I have felt the touch of God’s love and care when He did not change my circumstance, but that “peach that transcends all understanding” was so overwhelming when I cried out to Him, I could continue to keep going. Not that I have not heard His voice, or been without His influence, peace,and presence, but these times, when I desperately needed Him just to take the next step, it was like having Him physically touch me and give me a distinct message. I still call on those times to help me on days when I want to throw in the towel and quit.
I pray He continues to hold You close and make you aware of His love and faithfulness in your life.
[…] But how did I finally get to the point when I realized I needed to take my hurt, pain, struggles, heartache and uncertainty to God? Several years ago I shared a post on how I reached the breaking point and fell before God and unloaded all of the pain I felt At The Cross. I would love for you to take the time to read my heart in the post “In His Presence”. […]
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