When all you can do is just show up…

Music and voices filled the air around me. My hands held loosely to a book with words and notes that melted together in one big blur. Unconsciously my voice sang words of praise to God but inside my heart I screamed,

“I don’t want to praise you.

I am hurt. I am angry. I can’t praise you.”

I quietly excused myself and slipped out of the room. On the other side of the wall I listened as the choir continued their worship. Hot salty tears streamed down my face as I struggled with the hurt and anger I was feeling.

So many questions tumbled through my mind. How could God let this happen? He promised me everything was going to be ok? Why couldn’t He just fix the issue and not tear things apart?

I didn’t understand what God was doing. In my mind and heart I thought He was going in one direction and suddenly He took an immediate turn.

I was lost and unsure of how to find my way. My mind knew to trust God; that He knew the best path, but my heart was so broken I wanted to give up and walk away.

While my head knew I needed to trust God my heart didn’t know how. I felt empty and alone. I desperately wanted to feel God’s Presence but honestly I was too hurt and angry.

The next morning I struggled through my quiet time. My heart was raw and I felt totally alone.

“How Lord, do I find my way back to you?

How do I feel your presence again?”

While I struggled with direction & feeling His presence I knew the best thing for me to do was to just show up. I desperately hoped that by showing up & reading His Word my heart would soften and I would see His perspective.

So that’s what I did. I met God at my usual time & space with my regularly scheduled devotion. I knew the only chance of my heart changing was if I continued to show up. If I turned away and refused to make the effort I wouldn’t give God the opportunity to show His Presence.

The painful part of that quiet time was that I didn’t feel my heart soften. The wounds were still so fresh healing had not started taking place. But I was encouraged by the fact that I was faithful in showing up.

Deuteronomy 31:8 tells us,

“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you;

he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Do not be afraid; do not be discourage.”

Did you see that, the Lord will never leave you nor forsake you.

We may feel alone and hurt. We may struggle with feeling His Presence but we are never alone.

“Even when I walk

through the darkest valley,

I will not be afraid,

For you are close beside me.

Your rod and your staff

Protect and comfort me.”

Psalm 23:4

God tells us in His Word when we go through dark days He will never leave us; He is always close beside us.

God isn’t going anywhere. We may be hurt and we may be angry but we still need to show up. When we show up God will in time begin to heal us.

My sweet sisters, I know how much it hurts when your world has been turned upside down and you hurt so much you don’t feel God is with you.

But can I tell your hurting heart something? God hasn’t gone anywhere!! He is still right there beside you.

All you need to do is show up. Sit with Him. Cry out to him. Be honest. And wait…wait for your heart to soften…wait to feel His Presence.

“Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my sighing.

Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God,

for to you I pray.

In the morning I lay my request before you

and wait in expectation.”

Psalm 5:1-3

As Psalm 5 says wait in expectation, it may take a little time for your heart to soften but if you will show up, lay your request before God and listen, in time you will feel His Presence.

Dear Lord, I come before you sitting at your feet. Hear my cry and soften my heart so that I may feel your presence. Help me wait in expectation so that I may see your Glory. In Your Name I Pray, Amen!

Please join me again on Wednesday as I share what happened as I continued to be faithful and show up to my quiet time with God.

In His Calm,